| We imagine you're reading this article because you | | | | would play out. |
| want to create happy, healthy, and satisfying | | | | Imagine that your significant other wants to go to a |
| relationships. This can only happen if you spend time | | | | movie. You say yes but what you'd rather be doing |
| with someone or do something for them when you | | | | is reading a book that you've been waiting to read. |
| actually want to --when hanging out with them or | | | | You start getting ready for the movie and notice |
| doing what they've asked is the most wonderful | | | | yourself feeling uncomfortable and irritated. |
| thing you can imagine doing in that moment. | | | | This all happens because you're afraid to be honest |
| We don't agree with the idea that if you love | | | | with yourself. You'd rather be reading, but what if |
| someone, being "selfless" shows your love. This idea | | | | saying you don't want to go to the movies ruins |
| of being selfless--and the utter impossibility of it--is | | | | your relationship... because of some idea that you |
| probably what's causing the majority of relationship | | | | should hang out with this person--no matter |
| problems. | | | | what--you go against your own desires-- your own |
| Why Say Yes When You Mean No | | | | inner guidance. |
| A relationship is not just about what one person | | | | If you say yes when you really mean no, you're |
| wants. We find that many people don't know how to | | | | almost guaranteed to start to feel a sense of |
| use their own inner guidance to understand | | | | discomfort. You might even start blaming the other |
| themselves and stay true to what's most important | | | | person for being controlling. This will create just the |
| to them. Yet this is vital to learn; it's an essential | | | | opposite of the happy, healthy, and satisfying |
| component for creating enjoyable, fulfilling | | | | relationships you want. |
| relationships. | | | | Do What You Love and Happiness Will Follow |
| So why do you say yes when you mean no? Do you | | | | So the key to happiness in all your relationships is, |
| fear losing the relationship? The odd thing is that | | | | Don't Say Yes When You Mean No. |
| when you say yes when you really want to say no, | | | | Let's recap: |
| one of two things normally happens next. Either you | | | | 1. Pay more attention to how you are and what you |
| either do what you said you would do and end up | | | | want most. |
| feeling resentful--which the other person can almost | | | | (use your emotions as your inner guidance) |
| always sense, and which then in turn harms the | | | | 2. Start giving yourself permission to say NO when |
| relationship. Or you find ways to get out of what | | | | you want to say NO. |
| you said you'd do, usually by lying, or making | | | | 3. Anytime you feel uncomfortable, stop and ask |
| excuses--which can also harm the relationship. | | | | yourself: "Is spending time with this person or doing |
| We suggest you start giving yourself permission to | | | | this thing what will give me the greatest joy right |
| say no. This is the first key to happiness in your | | | | now?" |
| relationships. Be honest with yourself--never attempt | | | | 4. Be more honest with the people in your life about |
| to hang out with anyone unless it's the most | | | | what's going on for you. |
| wonderful thing you can imagine doing. Never do | | | | When you begin to be more honest with yourself |
| something for someone unless you identify why | | | | about how you are and what you want, it will |
| doing it is important to you. | | | | become easier to be honest with others. As you |
| Sometimes spending time with or doing something | | | | practice, you will also start to notice that you feel |
| for someone will be the most wonderful thing you | | | | freer and more willing and comfortable when it |
| can do, and at other times it won't be. We | | | | comes to contributing to the people in your life. |
| recommend that you start using your emotions as | | | | Remember, this is only the first step and there are |
| your inner guidance. They will tell you when you feel | | | | many more understandings and skills for creating and |
| like spending time with people and when you don't. | | | | sustaining extremely satisfying relationships than we |
| When you feel like contributing by doing something | | | | can go into here. But for now, be patient, be gentle |
| for someone else and when you don't. | | | | with yourself and others and practice, practice, |
| What Happens When You Don't Say No | | | | practice. |
| Let's look at a specific example to see just how this | | | | |