| This is probably the most unsettling dating situation | | | | because you think you're playing hard to get, he/she |
| faced by both single (and even married) men and | | | | may get a little bothered and will start to call or ask |
| women. In an ideal world we'd all love it if the person | | | | you out more but not for very long. You can not |
| we're dating would call us more often, ask out us | | | | inspire true and lasting change in another person by |
| more often and if they are so busy during week | | | | manipulating them. Sooner or later they become |
| nights at least let us know in advance what plans are | | | | "immune to manipulation" which forces you to try and |
| in place for the weekend. | | | | step up the "playing hard to get tactic" but instead of |
| Even after a great time together, sometimes they | | | | a positive response (it worked before, right?) he or |
| don't even bother to call for a couple of days leaving | | | | she will be like "I can't take it anymore, I am done!" |
| you wondering what's going on. The last time you | | | | 3. Ask for what you want. It seems so risky to ask |
| voiced your wants and needs he/she said "okay" or | | | | for what you want when you fear the |
| "I understand", simply kept quite or got really upset | | | | consequences. But asking for what you want and |
| that you even brought it up. What do you do? How | | | | deserve doesn't mean you have to be aggressive |
| do you get him/her to spend more time with you or | | | | and offensive. The real skill to being assertive is to |
| at least be mindful of how you feel when they don't | | | | be truthful and direct but vary the amount of energy |
| call? How do you do this without creating drama and | | | | you apply to match the situation at hand. |
| rocking the boat? | | | | Depending on how strong the love between the two |
| I get asked these questions a lot. | | | | of you, instead of complaining, nagging or adding |
| Before you even start asking the other person for | | | | pressure onto his/her busy life (and getting eliminated |
| more, first ask yourself if you are being realistic | | | | because of it) ask him/her to tell you how you |
| about the person's circumstances. Many of us | | | | should handle the situation. Say for example you |
| struggle to keep our heads above the water and the | | | | want him/her to call you more often, ask if it's okay |
| pressures of keeping a roof above our heads and | | | | if you called him/her and how much is "too much". |
| food on the table can be a little overwhelming. If the | | | | Then negotiate a middle ground. Same thing if you |
| person has kids from a previous marriage, that's | | | | wanted him or her to call you in advance so you |
| more stress. Then there are other things that happen | | | | know what the weekend looks like. Something like |
| unplanned. And on top of that every "normal" human | | | | "When I do not hear from you by Thursday, I am |
| being (except when you're really needy and very | | | | not sure what plans to make for the weekend. Is it |
| lonely) needs a little time to themselves -- even | | | | okay with you if I call you Thursday night to see if |
| married men and women sometimes need "alone | | | | you have other plans?". |
| time". When you add all that up, three or four days | | | | And let's say you made the date happen, as you |
| without a phone call isn't so bad. | | | | part ways say something like, "That was fun! How |
| By demanding more than what the person can give, | | | | about if we do something next week? Give me a call |
| you're adding more stress onto their already stressful | | | | Tuesday (or whatever) and we can sort something |
| lives. What happens is that he/she will almost | | | | out." This is a very polite but not 'too nice" way of |
| instinctively try to eliminate that stress by "prioritizing | | | | saying to a person that you are interested in seeing |
| for manageability". Those things that matter most | | | | him/her again but it'd be great if he/she took the |
| get top priority. Work (shelter and food) comes on | | | | initiative next time. |
| top of the list. Second on the list is the kids and | | | | With you drawing him/her into the decision making |
| other family members/matters to attend to. Third, | | | | process, it'll take someone who really isn't that into |
| some "alone time" and that may include with the | | | | you to turn around and say "you're too needy" or |
| "boys" or "girls". You see where I am going with this? | | | | "you're putting pressure on me". |
| When you put pressure on him/her, you're the extra | | | | Sometimes the hardest part about walking our talk is |
| "stress" which must go so that his/her life is | | | | realizing that we are actually exhibiting the very |
| manageable. So should you just wait and put your life | | | | behaviors we dislike in others. Even after the two of |
| on hold? Hell, NO! | | | | you negotiate and decide on what's practical in terms |
| 1. Busy yourself living your own life. When you | | | | of time allocation, the other person doesn't call for |
| depend on someone else to give you permission to | | | | just one day after they said they'd call and you're up |
| life a full life, you're basically handing over your power | | | | in his/her face complaining of how that's stressing |
| and happiness to that person. Love or no love, no | | | | you which also stresses them out. Everything is |
| man or woman can take care of you better than | | | | downhill from there. |
| you can take care of yourself. | | | | It takes two to create a relationship. The important |
| 2. Decide on what time and activities already in your | | | | thing is to be realistic and flexible. Sometimes, being |
| life you can put aside when he or she calls and asks | | | | flexible is as simple as reconciling your fantasies and |
| you out and you actually want to. This is so tricky. | | | | perceptions with the realities of your relationship and |
| Some people use this as a "Playing hard to get tactic" | | | | deciding whether or not you can deal. |
| but there is great potential for this to backfire. 1) the | | | | And make sure you're not asking too much of the |
| person may decide since you're so "busy" he or she | | | | other person when you, yourself have nothing to |
| will go on and do his or her own stuff too; 2) the | | | | offer except your needs, beliefs of how things |
| first time or second time you turn him/her down | | | | should be and the stress in your own life. |