| "Self-sufficiency" and "independence" are qualities our | | | | health. Learning to speak the language of our |
| culture promotes and even idealizes. Look to the | | | | emotions and our bodies can help live a healthier and |
| movies for the attractiveness of "the strong silent | | | | happier life. |
| type" of man. And the professionally successful, | | | | This information really challenges the "I am a rock, I |
| self-reliant woman achieves higher social status today | | | | am an island," socialization process for men, which |
| than the warm, nurturing, relationship-oriented woman | | | | also has effected more and more women, as our |
| of decades past. | | | | society has promoted professional success and |
| One could say that we have not only enculturated a | | | | devalued investing time in nurturing relationships. I am |
| love affair with self-reliance, but also gone to the | | | | afraid the pathological self-reliance idealized in our |
| extreme of promoting pathological self-reliance. While | | | | culture is rooted in the degree of heart trauma |
| self- sufficiency and independence to a point are | | | | people live through and then ultimately, live with. |
| important benchmarks of adulthood, taken too far, | | | | How do we promote connection in our daily lives? |
| these same traits are hazardous to our hearts. | | | | 1. Make time to cuddle up. My cats curl up with one |
| Henry S. Lodge, MD, author of Younger Next Year, | | | | another and sleep contently every day. The same |
| writes, "the science of the past decade has | | | | can hardly be said for most people in our culture, |
| demonstrated that love, companionship and | | | | including those who live with a partner. |
| community are deeply women into our DNA. | | | | 2. Understand the biological imperative to be part of a |
| Emotional connection is a biological imperative, and we | | | | group. It may be easier to do everything on your |
| pay a high price for ignoring it. Isolation is what's | | | | own, but you will go farther and last longer if you |
| unnatural--and deadly." | | | | take the time to do things with friends, family and |
| Lodge notes that men who have heart attacks who | | | | loved ones. Lodge says, "reconnecting with your |
| go home to empty houses and have "a high level of | | | | community becomes a life-affirming, lifesaving and |
| stress are four times more likely to die within the | | | | urgent priority." |
| first few years." For those who are most isolated, | | | | 3. Invest in and value your primary relationship. Men |
| the risk of premature death from any cause is up to | | | | who are married live longer than men who are not. |
| five times higher. | | | | This may be credited to their wives' emotional |
| And being connected impacts the small stuff as well | | | | connections. A woman's death cuts about five years |
| as long-term health. More connected people are | | | | off her husband's life expectancy. The fact that if a |
| happier and healthier across the spectrum of life. | | | | man dies, his wife's life expectancy drops for the |
| Having a strong sense of social connection will reduce | | | | first four years, but as she adjusts to her new life, |
| the number of colds you'll get, in addition to | | | | her life expectancy increases. Men would benefit |
| increasing the odds of surviving cancer. Many of us | | | | greatly from putting more effort into building an |
| take daily vitamin tablets. We also have daily | | | | emotional infrastructure. |
| requirements for love, friendship and community! | | | | 4. Reach out to others. So many of us are always |
| We would all be healthier if our culture would teach | | | | waiting for the other person to make the first move. |
| emotional literacy skills--to know ones own heart, and | | | | Don't wait. Initiate. Find a concert you want to |
| to value the time investment required to build and | | | | attend, and invite a friend or loved one to join you. |
| sustain intimate relationships. Instead of trying to | | | | Have a group of people over for dinner. Talk to the |
| push away, shut off, ignore or medicate our | | | | person exercising next to you at the gym. |
| emotions, we need to learn to understand and heed | | | | 5. Turn off the tv, and tune in to your relationships. |
| the messages they give. | | | | So many people rely on the constant chatter of the |
| Emotions get a bad rap in our culture, and this | | | | television set to keep them company as they |
| creates a dangerous form of emotional illiteracy. Our | | | | decompress after a long day. While the news can be |
| bodies and brains have a constant stream of | | | | a constant companion, it's not the same as a real- |
| sensations, thoughts and feelings, providing a sense | | | | time conversation--or silent moment--with a loved |
| of who we are, what we want and what we need. | | | | one or friend. |
| Trying to shut our emotions off is hazardous to our | | | | |